Aren't journals typically more of a private thing?

...Apparently not.

I'm honestly just really fucking lonely now.

I hate being alone. I don't have Kain, but that's my fault.

I don't have Evan, because he's busy making sure Kain doesn't do something stupid, and he has his own friends.

I don't even have LJ friends, because you all hate me now.

Jaclyn's been following me around at every possible chance, telling me how I'm so much better off without 'that creep,' and I kind of want to hit her. More than usual, I mean.

Yeah, now I remember why I didn't want to be alone.



I feel horrible. I'm a bitch. I am a huge, evil fucking bitch.
He loves me.
He really, really fucking loves me.
And I just broke his spirit like that...Fuck. I'm evil.

I just......
It's hard to explain.
Lemme try.

I don't think I ever really loved Kain. I thought I did. I really, truly thought I loved that boy. I thought we'd get married, have children, etc...but I was so so wrong.
I've been thinking about it for a long time. I wasn't sure if I really loved him. And I realized, what was it...last week? that I didn't love Kain. I was just scared to be alone. And I still am. Good Lord, I'm fucking terrified of what my life is going to be like without him. He's such an incredible person, truly, he genuinely wants to help don't find many people like that anymore. He's so hopeful about everything. And he actually believes in himself. Kain is an amazing person. And I don't fucking know why, but I can't let myself love him. I can't love him and he deserves to be loved. I don't understand it at all...Kain is like...perfect. But I don't love him and I know that I can't love him. I don't get that...
I just knew that I had to break up with him. But I needed to talk to Evan about it first. Just because Ev is my best friend, and I feel like I need to talk to him about everything before I do it. He's like my own personal diary.
I feel like an even bigger bitch for dumping Kain on his birthday...but I've been leading him on too long. He deserves to be happy. And that's not gonna happen with me. I know Kain. He wants a family, a real one, with no fucked-up assholes, nobody ditching one another. He wants to change lives. And I think he'll do that someday. And he doesn't need me holding him back.

I would love to be friends with him. But I want him to get over me, and move on, and be happy. He wouldn't be able to do that with me still around.

I guess I just posted this so all his online friends wouldn't think I'm just a heartless bitch.
Even though I am.

I don't know if I'll ever update this again. I doubt it.

-Iris the Evil Bitch

I think just about everyone who would actually read this has already read Kain's. So I guess I'm no longer a 'pure little flower?' Whatever that means...

Now Kain is asleep, and I don't work tomorrow so I left the comfort of my bed to write an entry here.

I'm incredibly content with my life right now. My boyfriend is adorable, and my roommate is MIA.

He seriously looks so cute, he's pretty much spread out, taking up my entire bed (which is deffo gonna be a problem when i try to go back to sleep...) and his hair is all over. I know I sound super ridiculously cheesy and very stereotypical, but he's perfect, and i'm incredibly lucky. Incredibly.

I don't know. In high school, I wouldn't have even looked in Kain's direction. Hell, if me and Kain weren't together now, I still probably wouldn't look in his direction. I guess...I wasn't exactly popular in high school, but I was one of the girls who knew better than to go anywhere near Kain and his friends, just because I cared a little too much about my reputation. He wasn't really...well-known, anyway. I remember seeing him quite a bit, though...that was when he was really hardcore into the goth thing, it was quite ridiculous, he wore face paint sometimes...Which, now that I think back on high school days, I find it fucking hilarious that the "big-bad goth" kid...loves motion city soundtrack. Really, now.
When I met Kain I was in a local music store, I was looking for a Weezer album. And he was near me looking for a White Stripes album.  And I was getting seriously pissed off because I have a short temper and I couldn't fucking find the album. So....basically I sat down on the ground and threw a fit. I said, bad temper. So I was there freaking out and Kain asks me what I'm looking for and as soon as I tell him he grabs it from the front of the fucking rack where I'd looked a million times and gives it to me in all its cellophane-wrapped glory.. (It was Pinkerton, btw.)
And I was seriously upset and freaking out over this stupid album, so he offered me his hand and helped me get up and after I paid for the damn album, he caught up with me and asked me to go out and get coffee or something. (Which is funny...because he doesn't drink coffee.) And I kinda felt bad for him because he witnessed my stupid temper tantrum, so I said yes. And look where we are now!
And just for the record, my temper is now significantly less horrible. Significantly.

....Ohhh my god I wish I owned a camera so bad right now, Kain is just so sweet and he's cuddling a pillow and...
He is such a teddy bear. A giant, skinny teddy bear with smelly feet.

I love him. So much.

-End Ridiculous Entry Here-

:D Hi.
Heylo. :)) I'm Iris....obviously. I don't know what to say in here that I didn't just say in my profile. I guess I'll talk about my day?

Woke up at 9:00...watched that 70's show, which I am only SLIGHTLY obsessed with. (I can't BELIEVE they canceled it. It's such an awesome show...)

I took a shower at 11, and turns out I'm going to have to start hiding my shampoo and conditioner again, because fucking Jaclyn used the rest of it. >:| Fuck her.

I went to work. Boring. Let's skip over that part to now! I'm on the phone with Kain. :)) And he forced me to make this thing so I could talk to him and Evan and some friends they made. So...hi, new friends? :D



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